Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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