fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
