i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
