I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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