Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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