you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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