my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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