insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
