Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
