Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
