I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Randomize
