and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
