Acid is not a monday night drug
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
