I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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