i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
