I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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