It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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