My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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