I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
