the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
