Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
