I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
