I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
