So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize