I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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