Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
