I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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