woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
