thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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