He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
God, I missed his penis.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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