There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize