Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize