my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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