I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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