She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
