I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
