I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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