Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
