True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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