Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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