so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
