I puked a lego.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
