dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
