At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
