well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Boobs speak an international language.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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