i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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