The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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