We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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