I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
