Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
