You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
