saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
