spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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