Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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