So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize