enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
