Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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