Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
