Moan for me like Helen Keller
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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