Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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